In the middle.
En media.
I’ll be watching a movie perhaps, or just listening to the mindless jabber of those around me. Sometimes, I’m just sitting in class, everything’s all quiet, and I’ll just let my eyes and thoughts wander. They don’t always go to the most pleasant of places. It feels terrible sometimes. There are very, very few things I wish I could erase from memory. Though, that wouldn’t be enough. It’s not realistic, and it’s not an option. I only wish these few things had simply never happened.
One thing in particular will haunt me, for a lifetime it seems. It resides deep in my memory. At every opportunity that comes by it darts to the forefront of my thoughts, breaking the usually calm surface, disrupting my cognition.
I shake my mind. I shake my thoughts.
Yet, it lingers, and I’m forced to resign myself to waiting for the dark memory to sink back down into a forgotten place. I feel it will always be with me, a light pressure felt within, fading with the passage of time, but persisting on. One can’t simply forget these sorts of… occurrences.
It’s strange though. It’s not that I’m terribly disabled by such a memory, or bothered much at all really. It’s just the wrongness, and the perverseness of what occurred which make it unpleasant to bear.
In all honesty, as a human being, I suffered, in an unimaginable way. Never had I thought it possible for me to be shaken, violated, or disgusted so deeply. My mind was plagued for weeks. I felt constant dejection, constant defeat, under my skin and consuming my thoughts. I felt I would never be the same. And maybe I’m not, maybe I can’t be, but what does it matter, things change a person. It is, what it is, whatever that may be. I’m not really one to get caught up or fixated in or over any one thing. And I’m okay now, for the most part it seems.
It’s just another piece of me now, however unsavory, and I accept that.
I may not be shattered or held back in any permanent way, but it will always leave a bad taste in my mouth.
The lack of control, the destruction of trust, the absence of respect, the abuse of power. There are just things human beings shouldn’t be subjected to.